Two Heads are Better Than
One
Richness of Care
A child who has both a
mother and a father benefits from an increased richness of care. In
other words, children with both a mother and a father can benefit from
more caring, as well as a variety of caring styles.
Bridges to the World
Through their fathers and
mothers, children have access to a vast network including grandparents,
cousins, aunts and uncles, friends of the family, work colleagues,
community organisations, faith communities, and even personal histories.
Fathers and mothers provide 'bridges' to all these aspects of the
outside world, providing more experiences for children as well as
practical opportunities such as job possibilities.
Mothers Benefit from
Fathers' Support
If a mother can count on
her children's father to help with keeping the house clean and in good
repair, caring for the children, paying the bills, and planning for the
future, she probably will be a happier, more effective parent. The
support a mother receives from her child's father can even help her be
more competent and sensitive when feeding her baby. Mothers seem to gain
the most security when they are married and know the father is committed
to a lifelong relationship to her and their child.[1]
Breadwinning
Today, most families rely
upon the incomes of both mothers and fathers. However, fathers still
provide the lion's share of income. Fathers are either the sole earners
or the main earners in two-thirds of two-parent households. Moreover,
fathers' earnings are uniquely linked to many positive results for
children, even when mothers' earnings are taken into consideration.[2]
Complementary Roles
It often is useful, as well
as accurate, to generalise about average differences between men and
women. Whether these differences are due more to inborn biological
chemistry, or social pressures, or some combination of the two, is much
debated.
It is generally agreed that
men and women should no longer be regarded as 'opposites'. The important
thing to remember is that mothers and fathers often bring different
strengths and styles to their parenting roles. These roles complement
each other, meaning that they are not interchangeable and are each
necessary for healthy childrearing.
'Do fathers and mothers have different styles of play?
Consider these two examples: a father picks up his son, seven-month-old
David, tosses him in the air, and throws his head back so that he and
David are face to face. As David giggles and chortles, his father lowers
him, shakes him, and tosses him up in the air again. A mother sits her
daughter, ten-month-old Lisa, on her lap and pulls out her favourite toy,
a green donkey that brays when you squeeze it. Lisa smiles, and for the
next few minutes her mother moves the donkey in front of Lisa's eyes,
makes it bray, and talks and sings to her daughter. Lisa watches
intently, smiles, and occasionally reaches for her donkey. Are these
examples merely cultural stereotypes, or do mothers and fathers really
play with their babies in different ways? A series of studies confirm
that differences in parental play styles do exist.'
From the book Fatherhood, by Ross Parke
How Fathers Influence
Children As They Grow
In the past, psychologists
studying the development of children focused almost exclusively on
children's relationships with their mothers. Today, they have come to
agree that fathers play a unique and crucial role in nurturing and
guiding children's development. Many experts now believe that fathers
can be just as nurturing and sensitive with their babies as mothers. [4]
As their children grow, fathers take on added roles of guiding their
children's intellectual and social development. Even when a father is 'just
playing' with his children, he is nurturing their development.
Fathers and Babies
Babies need predictability
and security, which they get when their mother and father respond
consistently, promptly, and appropriately to their cries, smiles and
other signals. As a baby develops a relationship with his or her mother
and father, he comes to prefer them to other adults, in a process known
as attachment. Psychologists agree that babies with secure attachments
to their parents have better chances to develop into happy, successful,
and well-adjusted children and adults. [5] Mothers tend to be relied
upon more than fathers for the comfort and security components of
attachment, primarily because they are usually the infant's main
caregiver. [6] Babies also form attachments to their fathers, who tend
to be just as responsive to their babies' bids for attention as mothers.
[7] When fathers spend more time with their babies, they get to know
exactly what each of their baby's signals mean. This familiarity allows
fathers to respond sensitively, meaning that they know when their baby
is hungry rather than when he just wants a change of scenery. [8]
The effects of attachment
on children are broad and long-lasting. For example, one study found
that primary school children scored higher on tests of empathy-the
ability to see a situation from another person's viewpoint-if they had
secure attachments to their fathers during infancy. These children were
able to recognize how other children felt and took steps to make them
feel better. [9]
Both mothers and fathers
encourage their babies to investigate the world, manipulate objects, and
explore physical relationships. [10] However, mothers and fathers have
different styles of relating. Mothers tend to speak soothingly and
softly in repetitive rhythms to their infants and snugly hold them.
Fathers tend to provide more verbal and physical stimulation, by patting
their babies gently and communicating to them with sharp bursts of sound.
As babies grow older, many come to prefer playing with their fathers who
provide unpredictable, stimulating, and exciting interaction. [11] This
stimulation is important because it fosters healthy development of the
baby's brain and can have lasting effects on children's social,
emotional, and intellectual development. Infants with involved fathers
tend to score higher on tests of thinking skills and brain development.
[12]
Both the mother and the
father are important to an infant's development in special ways. For
example, in one study, baby boys whose fathers engaged in physically
playful, affectionate and stimulating play during infancy were more
popular later as school children. Mothers influenced their sons'
popularity through a different route, by providing verbal
stimulation.[13]
Fathers and Small Children
When babies become toddlers,
parents must go beyond nurturing them and begin to address two
additional needs: supporting their toddler's exploration and setting
appropriate limits for the child. Through playing with their toddlers,
fathers take a special role in achieving these two goals. Children learn
from them how to solve problems and how to get along with others. [14]
Fathers spend a larger
proportion of their time playing with their young children than mothers
do, and they tend to be more boisterous and active in their play. Most
children enjoy this kind of play. [15] Even if their fathers spend less
time with them than their mothers, fathers become salient, or meaningful
and special, to their children through play. [16]
When fathers play with
their toddlers, they are not just entertaining them. They are providing
a safe, yet challenging arena for toddlers to learn how to interact with
the world and with others. Through rough-and-tumble play, fathers create
obstacles for their children and demand respect for limits and
boundaries. At the same time, they challenge their children and
encourage them to explore their own strength, their ability to do new
things, and their impact on the world around them. Toddlers who must
work out for themselves how to achieve goals-such as retrieving a ball
that is just out of reach in their father's hand or wrestling their
father to the ground-are practicing important problem-solving skills. In
fact, when fathers are good at playing with their young children, these
children score higher on tests of thinking and problem-solving skills.
[17]
Playing with fathers also
helps children develop emotional knowledge, so that they can identify
their own emotions, acknowledge the emotional experiences of others, and
describe the causes of emotions. Toddlers must also learn emotional
regulation, the ability to express emotions responsibly and control
their behaviour. To understand how much emotional regulation develops
during early childhood, one can picture a toddler in the midst of an
angry temper tantrum, holding his breath until he gets his way. Contrast
this with a four-year-old who feels frustrated that the rain has ruined
his plans to play football, yet moves beyond those feelings and engages
in a board game with his sister instead. When children understand their
emotions and know how to control them, it makes them more popular with
other children. [18]
The father's influence on
emotional development is not limited to play, but also comes through
direct teaching and daily interaction. Studies have shown that, when
fathers are affectionate and helpful, their children are more likely to
get on well with their brothers and sisters. [19] When children have
fathers who are emotionally involved-that is, they acknowledge their
children's emotions and help them deal with bad emotions-they score
higher on tests of 'emotional intelligence'. Moreover, they tend to have
better relationships with other children and behave less aggressively.
Fathers' involvement in their young children's care can even last well
into adulthood. [20] Mothers seem to have much less impact in this area
of emotional regulation and peer relationships than fathers. It really
is fathers who can have a major influence on helping their children
build strong social relationships during childhood and later in life.
Fathers of Children at
Primary School
Learning to meet
challenges
As children reach school age, they begin to grapple with learning more
adult-like skills, testing them out in new environments, and dealing
with the feelings evoked by successes and failures. A sense of industry,
or a belief that he or she can accomplish a goal or master a skill, is
important to a child's developing sense of self-esteem. Fathers seem to
be key teachers in this area. As one expert puts it, 'the quality of the
father's involvement during this period is a crucial factor in
determining whether the child develops the confidence and competence to
meet new challenges in a positive manner.' [21]
One reason that fathers
have such an influential role at this time is because they tend to
challenge their children to try new experiences and to become more
independent. Challenged children have more opportunity to develop
problem-solving skills. In one study, children whose fathers expected
them to handle responsibilities, such as carrying scissors, crossing the
street, or taking a bath alone, scored higher in tests of thinking
skills. [22] Accomplishing tasks at this age is so important, and
fathers' involvement is so crucial, that fathers have a larger influence
on their children's self-esteem at this age than do mothers. [23]
By encouraging children to
take on new challenges, fathers help them not only to learn new skills,
but also to take responsibility for their own actions. [24] Fathers with
a strong commitment to their family provide a model of responsible
behaviour for their children. These children have an internal sense of
control, which means that they are more likely to believe that their
successes and failures are due to their own efforts rather than due to
external factors. These children tend to take more responsibility for
their actions and rarely blame others for their mistakes. [25]
Fathers usually have a
positive influence on their children's sense of industry, competence,
and responsibility. However, if a father discourages his children and
intrudes on potential learning situations by being too restrictive or
imposing his own solutions, he will have a bad influence on his children.
Whether this type of paternal behaviour is motivated by a desire to
protect his child, by feelings of impatience or frustration, or by his
lack of trust in the child, it can hamper children's development of
creativity, motivation, and problem-solving skills, making them less
responsible and more dependent. [26]
Achieving in
school
Generally speaking, the more actively involved and interested a father
is in his children's care and education, the more intellectually
developed his children are. [27] Why should this be the case? One reason
is that, when fathers are involved, they tend to provide better economic
support for their children. Children with better economic support have
access to more educational resources and have better opportunities to
learn. For example, in two-parent families, the more the father earns,
the better his children do at school, even when mothers' earnings are
taken into consideration. [28] Another reason that fathers influence
intellectual development is that, when their children are school-aged,
fathers spend a good deal of time helping them with studies. This level
of commitment has an impact on children's academic success. In one study,
four- and five-year-old boys scored higher in maths tests when fathers
encouraged skills like counting and reading. [29] In another study, the
level of a father's involvement in his child's academic studies
predicted success later in life. One expert even found that the amount
of time fathers spend with their children has a direct link with maths
skills. [30]
The influence fathers have
on their children's intellectual development is not limited specifically
to helping with school work. Fathers can have a positive influence on
their children's thinking skills by participating in social activities
and sports as well. [31] One study found that children whose fathers
encouraged them in sport and fitness activities were more successful in
school and in their careers later in life. This held true for daughters
as well as sons. [32]
Getting on in
life
A father's involvement during his children's school years has other
positive outcomes. The first years of school can be difficult for
children, but fathers can help their children adjust. [33] When fathers
are supportive, their children have fewer problems at school such as
excessive absence or poor exam results. This holds true even after
taking into consideration the influence of the children's mothers. [34]
Even when fathers provide only limited attention, warmth, and affection,
and are not around all of the time, their children benefit from their
influence in terms of adjusting to new experiences, having stable
emotions, and knowing how to get along with others. [35] For children
with Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), supportive fathers
can have a stronger positive influence on their adjustment to school
than mothers. [36]
Moral development is
another area where fathers have special influence. How do fathers
influence their children's moral development? First, by directly
providing guidance and direction. When fathers share their plans,
activities, and interests, their children are better behaved in school.
When fathers emphasise how behaviour can affect other people's feelings,
their school-aged daughters are regarded as very unselfish by classmates.
The mere presence of a father helped boys in one study to develop
patience by waiting for things they wanted. These children chose to
delay a small reward of sweets for a week in order to receive a larger
reward of sweets.
Fathers also influence
their children's moral development by providing models for their
children. In one study, boys who felt similar to, admired, and wanted to
resemble their fathers scored higher on tests of personal moral
judgement, moral values, and rule-following. However, boys who did not
identify strongly with their fathers showed reluctance to accept blame
or guilt when they misbehaved. These boys also tended to have problems
with self-control and were more aggressive in school. [37] The father's
special influence on his school-aged children's development of personal
morality lasts into adulthood. Adults whose fathers had been highly
involved when they were children were more tolerant and understanding
and engaged in more socially responsible behaviour than those with less
involved fathers. [38]
Fathers and Teenagers
One of the main tasks for
adolescents and teenagers is to develop their personal identity and
deepen their relationships with their friends, while also maintaining a
strong connection to their families. Teenagers spend more time away from
their parents and look to their friends for cues on how to dress and
which parties to go to. However, mothers and fathers continue to have a
strong influence, especially upon their children's beliefs, values, and
plans for the future.
Adolescence is often a time
of increased conflict between children and their parents, especially
their mothers. This might be because teenagers spend more time with
their mothers than their fathers, or because mothers tend to take issue
with aspects of behaviour that touch on teenagers' sense of personal
identity, such as clothing or body piercing.
Although teenagers rely
more upon their mothers for emotional support, the relationship with
fathers continues to be important. Teenagers rely more upon their
fathers for conversation, advice, and just 'being there'. [39]
Adolescents who felt their fathers were 'available' to them had fewer
conflicts with their friends. [40]
Unfortunately, some fathers
seem to withdraw from their teenagers. Whether this is due to his
concern for instilling independence in his children, or due to changes
and stresses he is experiencing in his own life, a reduction in a
father's availability and guidance during his children's adolescence can
have bad consequences. This is especially the case for daughters. As
noted above, fathers' involvement was important to both sons' and
daughters' self-esteem when they were in primary school. However, for
15-16 year old girls, the level of a mother's involvement seems to have
more influence. [41] Teenage girls find it easier to talk to their
mothers, which can make fathers feel as if they are not needed. However,
this is not the case. Teenage girls may find self-esteem in their
relationships with mothers, but they find guidance about how to relate
to others and how to plan for the future from their fathers.
How Fathers Fit Into the
Family
The Family System
Social scientists often
emphasise the role of fathers in the family system, and how their
actions affect the entire environment and context in which a child grows.
One of the most important ways a father influences that environment is
in his interaction with his children's mother. This is because the
relationships which children observe and experience at an early age
influence their own relationships later in life. It is also because
family relationships are interrelated-the way that mothers and fathers
interact affects the mother-child relationship as well as the
father-child relationship. Because of this interrelatedness, parents who
have a strong and happy relationship have a head-start to being good
parents. [42]
Non-resident Fathers
Statistics about children
who do not live with their fathers can be grim. On almost every outcome
that has been tested, including educational achievement, self-esteem,
responsible social behaviour, and adjustment as adults, children do
better when they live with both of their parents. Family instability and
financial problems do contribute to the poor outcomes for children from
broken homes. However, as one scholar who reviewed 28 studies of father
absence states: 'the major disadvantage related to father absence for
children is lessened parental attention'. [43]
Non-resident fathers can
face special challenges in contributing positively to their children's
development. Fathers who do not live with their children simply are less
available to nurture, guide, and provide for their children. In cases of
divorce, some mothers limit the time children have with their fathers.
Fathers who were never married are even less likely than divorced
fathers to keep in contact with their children. Moreover, the large
geographic distances that exist between some children and their fathers
make close relationships difficult to maintain. Either parent or both
may form new relationships and have children with other people. In many
cases, the entire family enjoys a lower standard of living when they
live apart.
Despite these disadvantages,
non-resident fathers can still make a difference for their children. The
most obvious route of influence is by providing adequate financial
support. Studies show children whose fathers pay child support do better
in school and have fewer behaviour problems. [44] Children who feel
close to their non-resident fathers also tend to do better. And, when
non-resident fathers are able to use their time with their children
wisely by helping with homework, setting and enforcing rules, and
supervising their children, children can benefit a great deal. [45]
Married or Cohabiting
Fathers
The role of marriage as a
foundation for family life has become controversial. More and more
people are cohabiting or living together before marriage or as an
alternative to marriage. More couples also are having children without
marrying. Some people say that marriage is 'just a piece of paper' and
does not make any difference to the couple or their children. For some
couples, this might be the case. However, studies have shown that the
majority of cohabiting couples are less committed than married couples,
even if they have children. In fact, only 36% of children born to
cohabiting couples are likely to live with both their mother and their
father for their entire childhood, compared to 70% of children born
within marriage. [46] It is for this reason that many supporters of the
father's role in raising children also support marriage for fathers.
[47]
Good Fathering is Good
Parenting
Most children do best when
their mothers and fathers engage in what developmental psychologists
call authoritative parenting. This style of parenting involves spending
time with children, providing emotional support, giving everyday
assistance, monitoring children's behaviour, and providing consistent,
fair and proportionate discipline. [48] This can be contrasted with
permissive parenting, in which parents avoid setting standards and
limits, and authoritarian parenting, in which parents are harsh and
rigid in their discipline and fail to respect their child's point of
view. Neither of these parenting styles have as positive an influence on
children's development as authoritative parenting. Authoritative, or 'good
parenting', may be expressed in different styles. While mothers tend to
provide more emotional warmth for their children, fathers provide a
strong sense of security. While children usually can depend on their
mothers for unconditional love, they often must earn their father's
approval. While mothers soothe their children more often, fathers often
provide more stimulation. All parents-both mothers and fathers-have
important roles in rearing their children. Better appreciation of where
fathers fit in will lead to happier and more productive children.
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